The Truth About Raising Multiples Vs. Multiple Children

When my boys were first born, I started seeking out Montessori aligned advice from other twin moms. As you can guess, Montessori being a relatively niche subject and twins also being very uncommon, it was difficult to find any resources that combined the two (hence this blog!). I would post on Montessori boards seeking “Parents of twins or multiples” and lead into my question. The internet does what the internet does best, ignore my question, reframe my question, or tell me why my question is wrong to begin with. People would reply letting me know they are a twin (which somehow gives them the authority on raising twins), or they have children so close in age that it is just like having twins. Occasionally I would hear from an Irish twin mom as well. 

I can say with complete confidence, and most mothers of multiples will agree, that having multiples is NOT the same as having multiple children close in age. Perhaps your children bring their own unique challenges to the table (cognitive disability, physical limitations, chronic illness, behavioral challenges) but all things being equal, your experience with singleton children is going to be very different. 

Now pointing this out, even in the politest of terms, can instigate backlash from singleton moms.  There are definitely cases of multiples envy. Some moms resent that there exists an exclusive club that they are not a part of (sorry, but there is). Some feel threatened that moms of multiples, just going about their day, are flaunting a “more mother than you” vibe. Mostly I think moms have an innate drive to connect to one another, and sometimes attempt to relate to experiences that simply aren’t universal. It’s understandable then, that those who have only had singletons (even more than one) may not fully comprehend the unique dynamic of raising multiples. 

I’d like to take a deep dive into some of those unique challenges moms of multiple face……

The struggle begins before the babies arrive.

Pregnancy with Multiples is an experience like no other. Yes, it is incredibly joyous and exciting, but it is a hard-earned accomplishment for momma and babies. Mom is faced with greater back pain, pubic pain, swelling and vaginal bleeding than the average pregnancy. Add to that a sharply increased risk of C-section and subsequent recovery. The little ones are more likely to be born premature and come with their own medical challenges. Speaking personally, my boys were struggling to gain weight in the first month and suffered from reflux until their first birthday. While I was lucky to have a vaginal birth with no downtime needed, I had lingering complications from the pregnancy that made fine motor tasks and walking very painful for several months. Tandem breastfeeding and diaper changes very much require fine motor skills. I was entering crunch time with a handicap.  Yes, singleton momma could have arguably more challenging births on a case-by-case basis, but it’s undeniable that overall multiples are more likely. 

Your Hands Are Full From Day 1

The physical truth of having twins or multiples is that you simply do not have a free hand most of the time. That’s not a metaphor, that was my reality.

From breastfeeding to bath time to rocking the boys to sleep, both hands (and sometimes feet) are always in play. There is a lot more wiggle room with one child being older. You probably don’t need to hold them all the time (though they might prefer that you do). At the very least there is a greater grasp of communication for you to explain to the child why you can’t hold them- again, they might still disagree. The older child may also be able to independently feed themselves, such as holding their bottle or by baby-led weening. 

I cosplay as a singleton mom when one of my boys is napping, or their father has taken one on errands. I genuinely feel physically lighter in these short-lived moments. Suddenly I feel capable of anything. I have a free hand to enjoy a tea, prepare a meal, brush my teeth, and a whole host of other one-handed chores I have listed on the refrigerator.

Traveling outside the home just puts things into overdrive. It’s a carefully practiced skill to open the vehicle, unload the car seat, and close the door behind you with the other car seat still balanced in your opposite hand. I usually have a baby bag slung across my shoulder, a purse on my back, and keys in hand to complete the pack mule ensemble. Add to that navigating in/out of doors with double car seats when arriving home or visiting friends. With singletons, you can generally expect that one will have the mobility to stand beside you as you unload the other children. Maybe even walk on their own to your destination. 

Starting A New Game On Hardmode 

Having twins as a first-time parent is like starting a game on hard mode. When playing it for the first time. In a genre you never played. There was much less forgiveness for error. We didn’t get a dry run on swaddling newborns, or whether snaps or zippers were preferred for sleepers, or how long it would take before we needed to start babyproofing. We were dropped into the hardest stage with no explanation. While everything is still new to parents of singletons, they at least get to find cheat codes and acquire experience points before choosing to level up. When you do, you have the benefit of an established strategy to follow as the difficulty intensifies.    

There Are No Hand-Me-Downs

While it’s a misnomer that multiples mean you need double or triple of everything, there are some stables a child will need. With siblings, even those very close in age, you have the luxury of hand-me-downs. It’s possible to only need one infant car seat, one bassinet, one high chair, and enough baby clothes from the firstborn to pass along to their younger siblings. Even with siblings of opposite genders. With multiples, the need is all at once. Some of those items you need two or three of are going to be big ticket items. 

Anything our children require needs to be purchased now. If you’re a family who is already living with tight financials, this can easily over-tax your budget. There are no hand-me-downs from an older sibling, no extra diapers, or a car seat or bassinet that can be used by their younger sibling.