1. Gender Disappointment
This is more likely to happen when a mom is pregnant with twins of the same gender. In the western world, most mothers have a dream of having two children. You might have a certain vision of what your family will look like. Maybe a boy and a girl. Perhaps two of the same gender. Having twins can create an instant finality of ‘what will be’. You can’t carry on hope that the next pregnancy will offer something different, perhaps in line with what you had been hoping for. While most moms will swear up and down that they will love their children no matter the gender, it is the finality of this event, the sudden closing of future opportunities and “what ifs” that can be particularly jarring.
2. One Twin Is Always Left Waiting
It is absolutely soul-splitting to listen to your infant child crying out for you to help them. As a twin mom, you have two tiny lives who are each counting on you to help them, often simultaneously. Someone will usually need to be picked up first, nursed first, changed first, or otherwise tended to first. Even if you tandem breastfeed, you will typically have to get one into position before maneuvering the other to feed. For roughly the first year with my twins, there was a strict order of which twin was put to bed first. My FOMO twin will inevitably wake up and sabotage the other if they were laid down first. There are so many character-building advantages to being a twin who is forced to wait, but in those moments as a twin mom, it is pure torture to select one child before the other.
3. You Will Learn To Live With Being Tired
Being a twin mom is chronically exhausting. Even with grade-A sleepers and well-mannered babies, it is a lot of physical and mental energy to look after two babies simultaneously. Tired will be your new baseline. You will be amazed at just how productive you can be at this new thresh hold for rest. You may even reach a level of functionality where you forget that you are tired, or rather believe that you are not presenting yourself as a tired person to the world. Sorry to break it to you, but people will see you differently. No matter how well-rested you feel, how smartly dressed or well-groomed you are, someone will likely make a point declaring just how tired you look. Even if it’s presented as them taking an interest, the harsh judgment can feel very defeating. As exhausting as being a twin mom can be, it can feel at times down right debilitating being constantly appraised by others.
4. Strangers Will Openly Pass Judgement
Every time we go out, our twins attract a crowd of onlookers. Many feel compelled to comment on how they think our lives must be, how they would react to having twins themselves, and sometimes ask very inappropriate medical or personal questions. Alot of these comments, frankly, are insulting. This can put a lot of pressure on twin moms to navigate these public integrations politely and slow down their day to meet the needs of strangers. Many mothers (already sleep-deprived I must add) simply don’t have the mental energy and functional time to accommodate these intrusive interactions. Some may withdraw from public outings to avoid the spectacle. I have a more in-depth article on all the invasive and awkward questions strangers feel entitled to ask twin moms here.
5. Watching Your Child Harm The Other
Every loving parent tries to balance keeping our children safe, without devolving into helicopter parenting. For moms of twins, how do we also keep our twins safe from each other? Parents of singletons (siblings of different ages) might think they understand the struggle, but the experience of raising twins is very different. My twins received their fair cache of scrapes and bruises before the age of one. At first glance a wooden truck or rounded corner may not immediately strike you are dangerous. That is until another one twin is tackled or fallen on by the other. Curious fingers get bitten, wobbly new walkers use each other as crash pads, and waving toys become hazards in the exploration of cause and effect. You might see one twin dominating the other, even unintentionally. A couple of ounces more, or a male twin in boy/girl twins may give them the advantage over their twin. None of these actions are purposeful or malicious. Still, it is heartbreaking to see one of your twins causing harm to the other. Even more challenging, you must learn to simultaneously teach and console two babies at once. I personally braced myself for the day I would need to bring one to the emergency room, the other twin in tow as exhibit A (or B) in my defense.
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