Holding Space For All My Babies

On the anniversary of my daughters first birthday, I laid in bed, held warm by the blankets with no other thoughts than of her. A pain rested behind my eyes and I felt rung dry from crying the night before. I was weighed down by the magnitude of the day. I just wanted to remain isolated in bed, letting the grief and tears flow out of me without resistance.

Babies S & B were having none of it. My sweet twin boys, less than 3 weeks old, were hungry. How complex motherhood and grief can be. Having a baby latched at each breast, arms full with two precious, dependent angels, my thoughts pulled to the baby girl I desperately wished to hold again. I struggled with self deprecating thoughts of selfishness and lack of gratitude. Far too many who desire a child will never have one. How could I, so blessed with not only a living child, but two children, not be satisfied? How could I give my everything to these tiny, helpless lives while struggling under the weight of my grief? I found myself struggling to balance my role as a mother to living children, and as an imperfect person grieving over the death of my angel daughter.  I didn’t desire any of my three children more or less than the other. I never saw the enormous gift of twins holding greater value than the potential life of my daughter, and I never desired a world where I had my daughter in exchange for my sons. 

Any mother of multiple children (or mother of multiples) will understand that your time, energy and attention will be divided. This is no less true for mothers who have lost. I hold space to love, cherish, and remember all my children. Room for love, and room to grieve. Like all balancing acts, this process is imperfect. Times when I will need to prioritize the needs of one child over another, or more challengingly, times when I need to admit that I need to step back from motherhood responsibilities to calm and collect myself. 

A mothers relationship with her children changes as time passes. This is true for the living and the lost. Years beyond the loss I have healed in many ways. The grief not so unbearable. The anger more manageable. The pain, for the most part, replaced with bittersweet gratitude for having known baby H and the meaningful impact she has had on our lives and the experiences there after. I am hopeful for a long, fulfilling life with my living children filled with all the joys, new discoveries, and even necessary pains that make life worth living. For my daughter, we only had a small fraction of time carved out. A time now relegated to memories. I always say that I never moved on from the loss of my daughter. I have moved forward with her. I hold her still and love her very much. As I do all my children, living, passed, and not yet born.